Sandra Arnold lives in New Zealand. She is the author of five books including The Ash, the Well and the Bluebell, Mākaro Press, NZ; Soul Etchings, Retreat West Books, UK; and Sing no Sad Songs, Canterbury University Press, NZ. Her novella-in-flash The Bones of the Storywill be published in the UK by Impspired Books in mid-2023. Her short fiction has been widely published and anthologised and has received nominations for The Best Small Fictions, Best Microfictions and The Pushcart Prize.  She has a PhD in Creative Writing from  Central Queensland University, Australia.

The committee for right thinking

‘My son tells me you’re not at home much these days.’

‘True. My promotion means a heavy workload takes up a lot of my time.’

‘He says the house is untidy and you don’t cook anymore.’

‘Also true. But he knows how to clean and cook.’

‘And he says your new job means you are earning more than him now.’

‘That’s true as well.’

‘That’s not a good look. What if his friends find out?’

‘Why did you kill that spider?’

‘Why are you always going on about spiders? You know perfectly well I have a phobia.’

‘It was just trying to have a little life.’

‘So do you think that about the mice and rats you’ve laid poison for?’

‘That’s different. They’re vermin. Spiders aren’t. And being sarcastic about it means you’re not a nice person. It’s time you realised that and did something about it.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like clean the house for a start. Get rid of your hair-shedding cat. Use your new pay rise to employ a cleaner. Change the way you think about spiders.’

‘Any other brilliant ideas?’

‘Well, if you’re not prepared to do your bit I might be tempted to look for a woman who doesn’t scream at the sight of  spiders.’

‘Good idea. Find one that cleans and cooks too.’

‘Sarcasm doesn’t become you. Maybe that’s why you never smile these days.’

‘What do I need to smile about?’

‘Does there have to be a reason to smile? Apart from the irrefutable fact that women look more beautiful when they smile? There’s a girl at work who smiles all the time. She has the most incredible smile.’

‘Does she flash her fangs at you? Like this?’

‘Not quite. By the way, I saw a product advertised on television that whitens teeth. I recommend you buy it. You’re starting to look old in other ways too.’

‘Oh yes?’

‘Yes indeed. Grey hairs. Wrinkles. Sagging chin. Weight gain.’

‘Have you looked in the mirror lately?’

‘No, but I have been looking at that hot young thing at work. So …stop taking me for granted. Get yourself to the gym. Get your hair dyed. Get Botox. I’m trying to be helpful here. What do you say?’

‘I say get stuffed.’

‘I’m like totally flattered you asked me out for a drink. A big fish like you.’

‘Oh I’m not really a big fish.’

‘But, wowee! Doing that awesome job you were telling me about means you must, like, be a big fish. Like, totally a big fish.’

‘Well yeah. I s’pose compared to some, I am a big fish.’

‘So, like, why did your wife leave such an awesome dude like you?’

‘Something to do with spiders.’

‘Spiders?’

‘Yeah. So… what’s your take on spiders?’

‘I don’t have spiders. I’m a bit of a clean freak.’

‘Oh yeah?… so no pets either?’

‘Only my two mice, Floofy and Flossie. I’ll introduce you to them when we go there tonight. You’ll love them to bits.’