Ben Macnair is an award-winning poet and playwright from Staffordshire in the United Kingdom. Follow him on Twitter @ benmacnair

Like A Kipper – A Short Play

-Int- A Television studio. Host ALAN is introducing his first guest, BRIAN.

ALAN

Hello, and welcome to the show. My first guest this morning is BRIAN. A man about the town with a sad little story. Now, you may be aware of the Selkie or The Kelpie, they are folklore figures. Either seals, or in some cases horses, who find lonely men and women, become men and women themselves, raise children with these poor souls, and then without any warning, return to the wilderness, abandoning their families and their children. Now, we aren’t a programme to judge other people’s behaviour, other shows that do that are available, but here is BRIAN to tell you his side of the story.

BRIAN

Hello Alan.

ALAN

Hello Brian. How are you today?

BRIAN

I am very well thanks, and how are you?

ALAN

I am very well thanks, and thank you for asking. Not many of my guests do that.

BRIAN

Well, it is the boring person who asks no questions, isn’t it?

ALAN

I gather you think you are interesting then?

BRIAN

It depends who you ask, really.

ALAN

Anyway, I believe that you have an interesting story to tell.

BRIAN

I do?

ALAN

I hope so. That is why you are here.

BRIAN

I thought I was just here for a nice chat.

ALAN

On live television?

BRIAN

Well, don’t they do that? People sit around and have little conversations.

ALAN

You are thinking about the radio Brian.

BRIAN

Are you Chris Packham? Talking about the vole I saw?

ALAN

No, I am not Chris Packham.

BRIAN

Michaela Strachan, talking about an owl?

ALAN

Do I look like a woman? Does she look like a man?

BRIAN

I don’t know. I don’t watch much of this television you speak about.

ALAN

Ok, right.

BRIAN

Yes.

ALAN

(Sighing) So tell us about your family life, and how you think were taken in by a Selkie.

BRIAN

I would rather not. Can we not talk about the vole I saw? It was very big, with big teeth, it could have eaten your head.

ALAN

Why might it do that?

BRIAN

They are spiteful you know.

ALAN

Like wasps?

BRIAN

Yes, but with bigger teeth. Much bigger teeth.

ALAN

Can we start with how you met the Selkie?

BRIAN

You mean Lorraine?

ALAN

Yes, Lorraine.

BRIAN

I was at the beach, throwing some stones into the sea, and I saw her.

ALAN

Really. What was she like?

BRIAN

A seal. A big grey seal.

ALAN

So, she wasn’t Lorraine at this point?

BRIAN

No, she wasn’t.

ALAN

So when did you meet Lorraine as a woman then?

BRIAN

A few days later, I was doing the same thing. There is not much for a sea fisherman to do in the evenings, and as I say, I don’t own a television, and after the Archers, I don’t like the excitement.

ALAN

Carry on.

BRIAN

Anyway, there I was throwing some stones into the sea, and there she was.

ALAN

Lorraine?

BRIAN

Yes Lorraine.

ALAN

What were your first impressions?

BRIAN

What does she want? Now I will have to start a conversation, and if I don’t I will look a bit odd.

ALAN

Or in your case, odder.

BRIAN

Are you saying I am a bit odd Alan?

ALAN

No, not at all. Eccentric is the word I would have used.

BRIAN

Ok, well I am not to everyone’s taste, but nobody is, are they Alan?

ALAN

My ratings are pretty good.

BRIAN

Really?

ALAN

Yes, millions of people tune into this show.

BRIAN

Voluntarily?

ALAN

I would hope so. Anyway, tell me more about Lorraine.

BRIAN

Well, Alan it all seemed to obvious in hindsight, but at first in relationships you turn a blind eye to some things, don’t you?

ALAN

So you would say that there were some warning signs about how she used to be a seal?

BRIAN

Yes, the tell tale signs were all there. The smell of fish, the whiskers, the limited vocabulary, kept to barks and yelps, the lack of table manners, how she used to eat the cutlery, the glasses, the plates.

ALAN

You have three children don’t you though?

BRIAN

Yes, all strong swimmers, took after their mother.

ALAN

So you had the kids on porpoise?

BRIAN

You mean purpose?

ALAN

Just a little joke.

BRIAN

A joke?

ALAN

Yes, sometimes fish puns have their plaice.

BRIAN

Not here they don’t.

ALAN

Ok, we will stop with the fish puns, as they just seem to be giving you a haddock.

BRIAN

You mean headache?

ALAN

Obviously

BRIAN

Anyway, back to my life story, if we must. I wasn’t lonely, I got used to my own company, as you do, but there was something about her. That first night on the beach, the waves gently lapping. The easy flowing conversations, once I got used to the honking in her voice, and how she always went to balance a beach ball on the end of her nose. Don’t even get me started on the interest she showed in the car horn, and when she shook my hand, her grip was really quite impressive.

ALAN

Would you have described it as love Brian?

BRIAN

No Alan, I wouldn’t have described it as love, more of companionship, of kindred spirts, I gave her twenty years, and she leaves. She stitched me up like a kipper.

ALAN

Which is ironic, as you now believe that she is now a seal. Have there been any other repercussions for you.

BRIAN

Her work phones, occasionally, asking when she might be in, but I tell them I don’t know. I see her quite often.

ALAN

As a seal?

BRIAN

Yes, as a seal.

ALAN

Have you tried to talk to her?

BRIAN

No, not yet. The problems is that they all look the same.

ALAN

A bit off, that last statement, Brian.

BRIAN

Maybe, but it is true. I don’t want to introduce myself to any old seal, thinking it might be Lorraine. It would be a bit embarrasing to say the least. So that is where we are. The kids always ask when their mum might come back.

ALAN

So by the sounds of it, a seal pretty much managed a successful life as a person then?

BRIAN

Yes, by the sound of it. I personally can’t believe how much and how quickly Lorraine developed in the time that I knew her.

ALAN

So, Brian is another way of looking at it that you just bored her, and she moved on, left her life behind, and looked for something more interesting?

BRIAN

I don’t think so. I just think that she missed the sea, and went back there.

ALAN

So you think that the seal you saw, and Lorraine were the same celestial being?

BRIAN

Yes, they were.

ALAN

How can you tell, for certain?

BRIAN

A man of the world knows these things, you know.

ALAN

Is that what you really think?

BRIAN

Yes, don’t you?

ALAN

Well I don’t. I think other things are more likely to have happened.

BRIAN

Like what?

ALAN

One day you were throwing stones in the sea, and you saw a big seal. The next day you were throwing stones into the sea, and you saw a woman. Now, it maybe that she was a Selkie, here to comfort lonely souls, but I think there is a very small chance of that being right, don’t you?

BRIAN

It is the reason that makes the most sense to me though Alan.

ALAN

Why?

BRIAN

Because she is the first woman to have shown any interest in me, romantically.

ALAN

Really?

BRIAN

Yes, before I was a fisherman on the sea shore, I worked in Sewage, and I played in a Wurzel’s tribute band?

ALAN

Really? Which instrument?

BRIAN

Banjo and Accordion.

ALAN

You know, what, I think that you might be right about Lorraine being a selkie.

BRIAN

Really, why?

ALAN

You work in sewage, and you play the banjo.

BRIAN

There is nothing wrong with the banjo.

ALAN

Brian, what is the definition of a gentleman?

BRIAN

I don’t know, what is the definition of a gentleman?

ALAN

Someone who can play the banjo, but prefers not to.

BRIAN

I didn’t come here to be insulted.

ALAN

What did you come here for then?

BRIAN

A nice day out.

ALAN

And have you had that?

BRIAN

No, not really.

ALAN

Sorry, but them’s the breaks.

BRIAN

Can I go now?

ALAN

Wait until the next segment.

BRIAN

When is that?

ALAN

I am just going to introduce it now.

BRIAN

(Glaring, arms crossed) Go on then. We haven’t got all day you know.

ALAN

Brian there, ladies and gentleman. A man of the world, who plays the banjo and used to work in sewage, believing that it is more likely that a seal turned into a woman, than a woman showing a romantic interest, and then changing her mind.

BRIAN

(Still glaring) You will be hearing from my lawyers Alan.

ALAN

Join us after the break as we will be talking to Chris Packham about how voles are getting bigger, and Paul Burrell talking about anything we ask him about that won’t be the Royal family.

-Ends-