Ben Macnair is an award-winning poet and playwright from Staffordshire in the United Kingdom. Follow him on Twitter @ benmacnair

A Probationary Ghost

Two characters.

Ext: Daytime, in a park.

LINDA, female, any age.

BOB, male any age, slightly nervy.

BOB

(Quietly) Boo

LINDA

(She is sat reading a book, intently)

BOB

(Slighly louder) Boo

LINDA

(she is still reading a book, still intently)

BOB

(Very loudly) BOO

LINDA

(she drops the book, and looks in BOB’s direction)

BOB

(Sitting down next to LINDA) I said Boo.

LINDA

Why?

BOB

I felt like it.

LINDA

Well, it’s not really nice, scaring people like that.

BOB

I just said boo.

LINDA

No, you shouted boo at a complete stranger.

BOB

You are in a park,

LINDA

What difference does that make?

BOB

I am in a park.

LINDA

I know, we are both in the park.

BOB

I thought that you might like to help me practice.

LINDA

Practice what?

BOB

Allowing me to say Boo at you.

LINDA

You already have.

BOB

Repeatedly.

LINDA

No, only the once.

BOB

Three times, only once did you hear me.

LINDA

Sorry, I just wanted to read my book in the park, in peace.

BOB

But I thought you could help me.

LINDA

Help you with what?

BOB

Training to be a ghost.

LINDA

You are still alive, why do you want to practice being a ghost?

BOB

Oh, well when I die, whenever that might be, I want to be able to scare people.

LINDA

Are you single?

BOB

Yes, but what has that got to do with anything?

LINDA

I think some people already find you scary. You may not need the practice.

BOB

Oh, we all need practice. Like you need practice in helping me practise.

LINDA

Why do you want to scare people in a park?

BOB

Well, it’s like the Spanish Inquisition.

LINDA

The Spanish Inquisition?

BOB

Yes, like in Monty Python.

LINDA

Monty Python?

BOB

Yes, no-one expects the Spanish Inquisition, and no one expects to see a ghost in the park in the summer, do they?

LINDA

I suppose not.

BOB

Yes, it is all very well trying to scare people in an old house in the middle of nowhere. People have seen the films, they know what to expect, but a park, that is different.

LINDA

And in the day as well. Clever thinking there.

BOB

I know.

LINDA

It is just a shame they don’t exist.

BOB

Ghosts don’t exist. Well watch this.

LINDA

Watch what?

BOB

You can still see me?

LINDA

Of course I can.

BOB

Looks like I need some more practice.

LINDA

Yes, a lot more practice.

BOB

Anyway, I am Bob. Who might you be?

LINDA

I won’t tell you that.

BOB

Why?

LINDA

You might be a sociopath.

BOB

What are the chances of you meeting a sociopath in the park?

LINDA

I would guess a lot higher than seeing a ghost in the park.

BOB

Oh well, I have a podcast.

LINDA

Of course you do. Everyone does. Can I guess the name?

BOB

I will give you three guesses, then I will tell you.

LINDA

Is it Spirits I have enjoyed?

BOB

No

LINDA

Sundays in the park with Bob?

BOB

No

LINDA

Ghost of a chance

BOB

Yes, but how did you know?

LINDA

A lucky guess. When I have a spare moment, I might give it a listen.

BOB

Really? When might that be?

LINDA

When I have finished my book.

BOB

So not long then. You don’t have many pages left in it.

LINDA

No, the one I am writing.

BOB

What is it about?

LINDA

A tolerance story.

BOB

What is a tolerance story?

LINDA

It is like a love story, but closer to real life.

BOB

So not a disappointment story then?

LINDA

No, I am already living through one of those.

BOB

Aren’t we all?

LINDA

So, ghosts. Why the interest?

BOB

Well,it is my belief that they are everywhere. There is a residual energy that we leave, and if we do things regularly enough, we leave energy there, and it builds up and builds up, and then it is released for everyone to see, like static energy. So, if I walk through the park everyday for decades, then there is a trace of me. I am not really a ghost, only people see me as one. Anyway, if I was a ghost, I wouldn’t want to be here, in England, I would go somewhere warm, where it was nice all of the day, I would put my trousers on, have a cup of tea and think about leaving the house

LINDA

Parklife

BOB

What?

LINDA

Sorry, like the song.

BOB

Song, which song?

LINDA

By Blur?

BOB

Sorry, I don’t listen to music. It reminds me too much of people having fun.

LINDA

Why?

BOB

It is something that people do together.

LINDA

And you don’t like people?

BOB

No, I find them a bit strange.

LINDA

You are a bit strange.

BOB

See, I have already made my point.

LINDA

Yes, I know what you mean. This conversation wouldn’t have happened though, if you hadn’t wanted to make a connection of sorts.

BOB

It would, I always shout boo at that bench, you just happened to be sitting in it today. In many ways, you are the one who carried on the conversation. Most people just run off or try to ignore me, you didn’t. Why is that?

LINDA

Because maybe I am the Sociopath.

BOB

But you seem so nice.

LINDA

Most of us are.

BOB

You are beginning to scare me now.

LINDA

Good, that was my intention.  You are training to be a ghost, maybe I am training to be something else.

BOB

What would that be then?

LINDA

Oh I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.

BOB

Ha, ha, ha. You are joking now?

LINDA

Really, what if I said my name was Norma Bates.

BOB

Like in Psycho?

LINDA

Yes, like in Psycho.

BOB

It isn’t though, is it?

LINDA

Of course not.

BOB

That’s alright then.

LINDA

Gave you a bit of a scare there, didn’t I?

BOB

A bit of one, yes.

LINDA

You never know who you might meet in the park these days.

BOB

No

LINDA

We are all just big sacks of skin with bones, and pints of blood and liquid floating around. It is shocking that more things don’t go wrong in the park.

BOB

Yes

LINDA

I mean we have only the one life to lead, we never know when it might end, or who might end it. We have to make the most of every day that we are gifted, don’t we?

BOB

That’s a very philosophical way of looking at things.

LINDA

And that is a very big word for a man with such a short name.

BOB

I know other long words.

LINDA

I bet you do. I also know a few ways of preserving a body.

BOB

Only in theory I hope.

LINDA

You might think that, but I am a writer, I have to do my research don’t I?

BOB

Well, it has been interesting to meet you, I suppose.

LINDA

And you have given me a few ideas for my next victim, sorry I mean character in my tolerance story.

(Bob walks away scratching his head. Linda goes back to reading her book. She looks into the audience)

LINDA

And you thought he was the scary one. I have a podcast as well. I am sure you will read about it all, in the papers at some point, when they dig under the patios of the four houses I have lived in.

(The scene fades to black as it ends)