Gary Beck has spent most of his adult life as a theater director and worked as an art dealer when he couldn’t earn a living in the theater. He has also been a tennis pro, a ditch digger and a salvage diver. His original plays and translations of Moliere, Aristophanes and Sophocles have been produced Off Broadway. His poetry, fiction and essays have appeared in hundreds of literary magazines and his published books include 41 poetry collections, 16 novels, 4 short story collections, 2 collection of essays and 8 books of plays. Gary lives in New York City.

Lead Us to Culture

a one-act play

Scene:                        

A restaurant. Enter Katherine and Larry, who are shown to a table. They sit, order wine and sip for a minute  Larry ignores her first question.

Katherine:                   I asked you how you liked the wine?

Larry:                          It’s alright.

Katherine:                   What does that mean?

Larry:                          Just what I said.

Katherine:                   Do you like the bouquet?

Larry:                          It’s okay.

Katherine:                   Well what about the taste?

Larry:                          It’s okay.

Katherine:                   Is that all you have to say?

Larry:                          About the wine? Yeah. You know I prefer beer.

Katherine:                   We discussed your bad habits. I explained that appreciation for wine is an acquired taste. You have to keep trying it.

Larry:                          I think we have to seriously discuss all this culture stuff.

Katherine:                   I really don’t want to talk about it now. I just want to enjoy a nice, quiet dinner.

Larry:                          But you said we’d talk….

Katherine:                   Later.

Larry:                          That’s not fair. I’ve been doing what you want….

Katherine:                   What I want? I’ve been doing this for you.

Larry:                          Don’t give me that! You’ve been enjoying every minute of it.

Katherine:                   I admit I do like cultural activities. I find them stimulating. Unlike some people who prefer to sit at home and watch tv all the time.

Larry:                          I don’t do it all the time.

Katherine:                   That’s not the point. You agreed that you needed to get out more and said you’d try to appreciate the cultural life of the city…. Well. Didn’t you?

Larry:                          Yeah.

Katherine:                   Don’t you see? This is our chance to bring some excitement back into our relationship.

Larry:                          I guess so.

Katherine:                   I know how hard you work. Especially with the market going up and down like a roller coaster and all your clients demanding safe investments

Larry:                          You don’t know the half of it. They’re scared out of their Brooks                                     Bothers underwear and I’ve got to reassure them all day long. It’s                                     exhausting.

Katherine:                   That’s why it’s so important for you to do things that relax you.

Larry:                          You call that concert last night relaxing? A bunch of old                                     oriental guys in funny robes, banging and screeching away on                                     weird looking thinguses that hurt my ears.

Katherine:                   They were playing classical Cambodian music on ancient                                     instruments.

Larry:                          It sounded like they were torturing cats.

Katherine:                   You do have to make some effort to understand another culture.

Larry:                          I hear the same sounds in the subway when the train pulls in. Why                                     can’t we go to an Elton John concert?

Katherine:                   Because you have to acquire culture while you’re still young                                     and can learn to savor it.

Larry:                          Aw, Katy.

Katherine:                   Katherine.

Larry:                          What’s wrong with Katy?

Katherine:                   It’s too casual for the art world.

Larry:                          It figures.

Katherine:                   Excuse me?

Larry:                          What do you care what you’re called when you go to a museum or                                     gallery?

Katherine:                   Katherine is more elegant.

Larry:                          Yeah. As if anyone cares. That gallery today was crazy. I thought                                     art was supposed to be beautiful to look at.

Katherine:                   It is. You have to learn how to see it.

Larry:                          The only thing I learned there was that those artists make stockbrokers look intelligent. One artist had a dead fish in a tank that was selling for 40 million dollars. I had to laugh at that.

Katherine:                   I noticed.

Larry:                          Then there was this statue of a balloon animal that cost 5 million                                     dollars.

Katherine:                   It’s called sculpture.

Larry:                          Whatever. The nuttiest thing I saw was a model made by this guy who wanted to wrap Yellowstone National Park in plastic and it would cost 60 million dollars. That’s like covering the Statue of Liberty with a condom…. (Katherine looks around and shrugs           apologetically to anyone looking at them.) Are you telling me that stuff is art?

Katherine:                   Maybe what we started with is too challenging. We’ll try the                                     Metropolitan museum tomorrow.

Larry:                          Hey. I know that place. My class went there when I was a kid.                                     They had these big pictures of fat, funny looking naked ladies….

Katherine:                   Alright. We seem to have found something you can connect with.

Larry:                          Aw. They probably changed it for all that new kinda stuff.

Katherine:                   Don’t worry. They still have your naked ladies…. Now let’s have a                                     pleasant dinner and forget our little disagreements for the time being.

Larry:                          Sure thing, Katy.

Katherine:                   Katherine.