Tales from the Tranquility Tea and Cake

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

Sometimes work comes in to me anonymously, this seemed to speak to the experience of so many writers I felt it deserved a home. I have spoken to the writer, anonymously, and he, or she, or they will provide a new piece monthly. So, if you are an experienced writer, or someone looking to start out on the path there will hopefully be some wisdom, some truth or at least some commonality to be found within.

Steve Cawte, Editor, Impspired.com

SEPTEMBER 2021

POET FOR HIRE

Prince Philip has died.

            I am genuinely upset. I am a royalist and don’t care if people think less of me, I am proud we can piss off the Americans for one, but my patriotism is genuine. Nationalism, a whole different beast, can suck my Rule Britannias, but I love my country warts and all, and will be a wreck when her Maj joins her husband once more. I am aware you may take my tone for mocking, but that’s just my default tone, I am genuinely upset, and though I am not a fan of every member of the firm, he was one of my favourites.

            What I won’t be doing however, is writing a poem about it.

            I am not a fan of “event” poetry, even if it is a time for the poet laureate to actually do some bloody work and write a poem about it, instead of poncing around inner city comprehensives telling kids Stormzy is the Byron of today… I mean I won’t ever read it, but it’s what a poet laureate is supposed to do… and I think he or she should be the only poet who does so.

            Royal deaths, royal births, royal marriages, royals who don’t want to be royals or royals who don’t have the ability to sweat no matter how high the thermostat is set in the pizza restaurant, nearly all of these royal occasions are expected to come with accompanying poetry. Now, I realise that wishing for a whole genre of poetry to disappear is pointless and childish, and so I don’t, but I do wish it was done in secret, or in mime without the lights on.

            It’s not just royal occasions either, any event really, it’s all just so mercenary and though I am not a poetry statistician, (just to clear matters, I am not any sort of statistician) I am pretty sure the amount of poetry written after the event of an event, that is halfway to being decent, is somewhere between 5 and 12 percent.

            You have written event poetry.

            You have.

            You know you have,

            and that’s fair enough, because I haven’t had to read it, but you have, statistically (I think I could get into statistics). You are bound to have penned a ditty or two. Most of us, not me, but most of us, have written a comical ode onto a birthday card or a get-well card, or any card really, and preferably early on in its being passed around if it’s a card from work, so everyone can read it and think how clever and funny you are. I say not me, but that’s because I wasn’t a writer when I did my one and only attempt. One of my work colleagues had been run over on his way to work and a card had been passed around, I was young and cocky and so I wrote ‘Dear Jeff, I hope you bounce back soon, just like you bounced off the bonnet of that saloon’… not exactly Tennyson, and not amusing said the boss, and a new card was passed around. My boss watched me as I signed it, and then gave me a written warning for my so-called wit… so I have never ever penned a card ode again.

            But yes, I have read other peoples and they traumatise me much more than my chastening experience.  I wonder if, when a poet laureate gets hit by a Ford Fiesta, or any other mid-range saloon, or falls out a tree, a get-well card is passed around poets who are so far removed from me, and are so good and successful, that I don’t know their names. I would expect, poets of that ilk, have pithy one liners by the dozen, just waiting for a fellow poet to have an accident, or a big birthday, or to marry their research assistant or even better die. All the best and pithiest one liners are about death, and though the attendance has been reduced by one, all poets love a quietly respectful live audience.         

            I think the worst example of event poetry I have come across, is that which is performed by a poet for hire. I never even knew these existed until I met one in the flesh. This poet for hire, was, he assured me, in high demand. Birthdays mainly he told me, though funerals too, he told me, only more sombrely, and also… well anything, anything at all, he said starting to sound like an advert. I was dismayed by the whole concept. It’s like funerals, like my mum’s funeral in particular, when a vicar who didn’t know me, a vicar who had never met my mum, a vicar of a religion I didn’t care for or believe in, had spoken “poetically”, or at least lyrically about her love of life. We all fucking love life (statistically I was going to swear at some point), but that was his template… loved life… loved playing with her kids… loved her husband, exactly what you could have said about Rose West… not his fault, the vicar’s doing his job, but it still was preferable to actually hiring a poet to speak at a funeral, or to even read a stranger’s words yourself…

            His poetry, the poet for hire, was that pedantic rhyming stuff that can get stuffed. He would even sacrifice the rhythm for a tortured rhyme, shoehorning it over the bunion of his ineptitude… but people would like it, did like it, because some people like this sort of thing, find comfort in the almost school yard games chant simplicity… except it was laboured and not good, not fun, not even if you threw a stone at it and hopscotched your way across its misnumbered syllables. At the Quills, I had heard enough to be mildly astounded that people would pay for him to write poems about people he had never met… ‘a poem about Uncle Dave for his fiftieth, no problem, any family stories I can use, any embarrassing scrapes, any children, a wife… does he have all his limbs?’

            Alan from the “Quills”, (I like Alan), calls him Spam Ayres, and though Pam Ayres has been unjustly brought into this, I get it… this poet who I won’t name, (Just in case you want to hire him)  does however earn a modicum of respect, because if you ignore his awful poetry, if you take away his belief in his own genius, if you remove the fact that he has templates that are obviously in play (insert name of the deceased, birthday boy/ girl here), then you are left with the fact he does this all without a trace of shame.

            It’s not jealousy, certainly not, and not the fact he gets paid a surprisingly okay amount, that makes me so mad at the thought of him. I do feel though somewhat angry that writers, and poets in general, in our area, are being “represented” by him, as if he is the standard bearer, the gold mark, the best we have to offer. “Happy birthday, Jason, can you remember your sister’s wedding and you stole a bottle of champagne and was sick into a basin”… and even though people will laugh and think it’s great, it’s not, it’s not poetry, it’s poetry for hire and I am sure some of you lovely people out there are poets for hire who are hating me right now, and maybe with justification, because some of you are capable enough to write some decent stuff with what you are given, but he isn’t, and yet I have a modicum of respect for him because he does it all without a trace of shame.

            I have decided I have no respect for him. I have thought about it between paragraphs and having no shame actually makes him worse at verse… however much it fills his purse. (Statistically I was about 87 percent likely to change my opinion… it’s a curse). (Like my hypocritical use of bad rhyming)

            Disasters. Poetry does not beat jokes to the punch, but a good disaster is guaranteed to swiftly bring out bad poetry. You will have to read a previous entry for my berating of a poet for her Grenfell fire poem, for bad taste does not hide good intentions, and though I know the heart is in the right place, I know where in some cases, the right place is for my foot. There are some wonderful poems “inspired “by natural, or manmade disasters or atrocity. Wonderful pieces. It only takes a dozen Chilean miners to be trapped below the surface for a flock of batshit crazy haikus and sonnets to be let loose. Or a tornado to whip up some tongue twister about flying cows, because the joy that keeps on giving, the poetry sites on Facebook, are awash with atrocities of the written kind, so bad, so wonderfully bad, that you almost wish for a disaster daily…

            I am not sure if it was the death of the Prince that inspired this month’s rather tepid rant… because when you think about it, when you put your pen down for a moment, or pause your fingers on the keyboard and really think about it, aren’t we all poets for hire?

AUGUST 2021

A POET’S MOVEMENTS

I am not usually moved by poetry.

            Though to be honest, I have removed myself from it many times, not exactly leaving open mic nights as such, but spending a considerable amount of time in the outside smoking area, especially when you consider that I don’t actually smoke. But obviously I am referring to being moved emotionally, rather than physically.

            It just doesn’t do it for me.

            I am not immune to having my heartstrings plucked and can cry at a commercial of a single dad manfully making a bowl of soup for his churlish teenager like the best of us, but poetry… not so much. Either on the page or spoken in person by the poet, it has already been sort of diluted, in the sense that it has been delivered as a poem to pluck on my heartstrings… I know that makes not a lot of sense, I rarely do, but I know what I mean, because I am fully aware that by investing in the concept, I have entered into an emotional bargain of some sort, and it should be then, about how emotional the poem is, and not how emotional I am. It’s not like I am so befuddled by other forms of entertainment, I don’t, for instance, sit and watch a comedian and don’t laugh when he turns out to be funny, so why does hearing or reading a poem I know is going to be an emotional one, stop me from getting emotional?

            I will admit to lacking a large amount of empathy. Not psychopath lacking, but still lacking. I have some. And, I don’t really want to waste it on poetry… not when I know it has been designed to elicit sympathy and empathy and not apathy…

            Not all pathys lead to Rome of course, and some poetry, however wrought and raw, does not lead to any of these feelings, as badly written emotional poetry is just badly written poetry. But is the final destination that important? Is it not the journey that counts? No. No it isn’t.

            What’s important is knowing not everything affects people the same way. I am not alone in my small pond, for others at the Tranquillity Tea and Cake writing group have difficulty being sad at everything. For instance, there is a woman called Von who cries whenever small birds are in peril, or there’s Trish who gets teary eyed over poems about dead grandmas, and John who wipes a tear away when old soldiers get a mention… but not one of them gets emotional as much as Derek does over his poems about the bypass.

            It’s just that I hate being told how to feel. I think. Though out of all my spurious theories, I think I am on rocky ground on this one, as you can’t expect people to empathise with a lack of empathy if you are expecting them to have the same lack of empathy as yourself… and if truth be told, I don’t care as much as I should. I think I am annoyed by emotion trumping the quality… especially noticeable at open mic nights. You can’t judge a poem, or have your judgement appreciated, if it’s a poem about how their cat died of leukaemia, and the very next day they saw a cloud that looked like their beloved Smittens, when that poem’s being read by someone with snot coming out their nose. You just look heartless. Especially when they have overheard you say that considering the poem was an elegy, the cat got off lightly.

            Again, there would be people there who were generally moved. Emotionally and empathetically, and what right have I to diminish their feelings? None, obviously, and they will get upset that I do, and that would be genuine enough for me to empathise with their anger over my lack of empathy. I am not a monster.

            However, when confronted with sad poetry, it needs to be good poetry, just as all poetry should be. We can all fake a laugh at bad jokes, and some of us can fake orgasms during bad sex even if someone had thought the sex more than adequate, but it is hard to fake a good cry. A fake cry, or the wipe of a dry cheek, can be spotted a mile off, it takes real skill to pull off, by ironically, people who can empathise the most, and so I respect those who can fake cry more than those who invest. Yes, invest, that’s the word, invest. Because all poetry is a contract, willingly taken. There are very few examples of poetry being forced upon others, unless you count school… and The Vogons from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, funerals, television adverts for Banks… okay, more than a few examples, but those who invest purposefully want their sad poetry to make them sad, they want to feel the poet’s pain, and there is nothing wrong with that, absolutely nothing. In people other than me.

            I think one of the saddest experiences I had, was over a poem of my own. I read a poem at the ‘Quills, a sad one about losing a brother through cancer. Two of the women came up to me afterwards, one in tears, thanking me for reading it, as they too had lost someone with the disease, and a few lines had resonated. I thanked them, telling them I was glad they liked it, we hugged. Nice. Respectful… Until I told them that I had never had a brother, and it was a work of pure fiction, not telling them that I had only read it because I thought it was quite good, and certainly hadn’t implied that it was indeed written from personal experience… their response? It was like I had put a small bird in peril, or had kicked a leukemic cat across the tea room, I honestly thought they were going to slap me… and that had truly upset me, that they thought I had tried to mislead them perhaps. But I wasn’t looking for their empathy for myself, but for the story I told, and I think that that is what this month’s scribble has been about, that poetry moves us all, just not always in the same direction, and that’s not a bad thing at all… it’s just that what moves me the most, is shit poetry, sad or not.

            The ‘Quills is back, the last Tuesday of every month.

            Apparently, despite Covid, it has been back several months,

            Maureen, our esteemed Gaddafi, hadn’t informed me.

            Ironically,

            I can empathise with that.

JULY 2021

THUMBS UP FOR HITLER…

Wow.

            No… really… wow…

            If you have been reading these journal entries, you will by now, realise I am a writer, even if I have to tell you so… but a writer I be. Mostly a poet, but that’s by circumstance and not knowing any better. I have, at local spoken word events, locally, which is the best place for local spoken word events, acquired a reputation. Some call me versatile. Some call me funny. And some call me the Anti-poet. And some call me names, but they are idiots. Those that call me the anti-poet do so not because my “poetry” is so far removed from that description it needs sarcasm marks around the word, (I hope), but because I hate poetry.

            I do.

            Not as much as when I started.

            But I do… too much so, to be quiet when I see bad poetry, or hear bad poetry, or know bad poetry is in the vicinity. I’m all for clapping effort. I am. And it’s not like I like my own that much, I don’t, but I can’t clap crap.

            Who am I?… you may be thinking,

            Who am I to pass such judgements, who am I to decide what’s bad and what’s not quite so bad?… it doesn’t matter who I am, it doesn’t matter at all because I have discovered a world outside of The Quills writing group, a world beyond spoken word in back street pubs or back rooms in back street pubs, or dusty village halls, or god forbid, coffee houses, a world where all of these places only exist virtually and do not close at closing time.

            Wow… no really… wow… I have discovered Facebook has poetry sites.

            There are loads of them. And they are all quagmires.

            Not all, but enough for that to stick and suck you in. The quicksand is waiting and its… joyous. Come, don’t be a snob about it, wade in.

            There are so many sites that I shall continue as if I am talking about them all by talking about one, a sweeping generalisation perhaps, though evidence would point to it not being so, as the same poets seem to pop up everywhere. So yes, joyous. But bad. Joyous but bad.. like Hudson Hawk, the Bruce Willis movie that is so bad its joyous, and a favourite film of mine… that kind of joyous…

            There are moments of good.

            There are.

            Disappointingly so…

            because there lies hope, and hope is the most hurtful and devious of emotions. But yes, some good poets do post some good poetry and some poets post extremely good poetry.

            But most don’t.

            I’m not naming names. You know who you are.

            There are also the non poetry arguments, mainly about American politics, but not always… I got into a major conflict with a whole group because I use ellipsis as pauses and don’t care about dot count… and was called some very interesting names. But its other people’s arguments that are wonderful and so full of rancour and pettiness and zealousness that I just can’t help myself, and I troll… just a little… not nasty, but mischievous… I never knew people could get as angry over Trump’s general awfulness as they do over a misplaced comma or a spelling mistake… and it’s all fine and dandy until someone loses an eye before e except after c…

            Poetry occasionally breaks out, and I try to read it, I do… but there is so much crap, it’s not funny anymore… and I post mine, not in response but because I can… we all can… and I post my “A” game…

            Now, this is how it works.

            I post a poem that I know is good. I know its good because people who don’t like me have said it’s good… not great, but good… three likes it gets. And Tommy from Alabama comments I have a misplaced comma on line three.

            Thank you Tommy.

            Andrea posts a poem.

            It is bad.

            It however has been posted on a picture of Andrea with a vest on… bit of side boob, a flirtatious smile, but mostly side boob.

            87 likes.

            25 loves.

            4 wows.

            Jealous? . I think I probably am… and that both perplexes me and disappoints me, but also reassures me, because it shows I care.

            I don’t care.

            Not about her getting more likes and loves and wows but I do care that she is getting them for her side boob, without acknowledging the side boob, so that it looks like she is getting them for her bad, really bad poetry… I don’t want to copy the poem here, I probably would be breaking copyright or whatever, but I can quote or at least paraphrase I think as my criticism belongs to me… I think. (don’t write that down or we will never get out of the loop alive)…

            Andrea’s poem was about a boy who she loved but who buggered off. She rhymed love with glove, as in her estranged love had a glove, and I was left wondering if he only had one hand… but no, for a few lines further on, he has two hands and two legs, on which he stands even though he hasn’t a leg to stand on because he’s wrong even though the line before told us how he had walked away one day…..

            I could go on… but I won’t, because some reading this may like it, and want to seek Andrea out and check her side boobs for themselves. But yes, it annoyed me she got so many likes for crap.

Andrea is one of many, and Jack is another Andrea, except he is from the next town over from mine.

Small world the internet. Jack writes poetry in every style but his own, which I suppose becomes a style, in time. Jack describes himself as a comedy poet… its part of his name… Jack the Comedy Poet… so everybody has to do the same… except in my experience, people who add comedy poet to their name, are usually not funny. And when its capitalised, you know it’s owner is not as funny as he wants us to imagine he is.

            Jack writes comedy poetry in the same way that Milli Vanilli sang a capella… badly, or non existent if you didn’t get it… and if anyone ever comments on his poetry being not funny, he accuses the reader of not having a sense of humour… and mimes that they are an idiot.

            Jack is bad.

            He does not so much as graze my funny bone.

            His last poem got 146 likes.

            64 loves.

            7 wows.

He had posted his funny poem, that was so funny I am not laughing, not even inside, superimposed over a lingerie model modelling lingerie with side boob and front boob and down boob and boob boob and when someone typed asking if he had a book available to buy, I lost my shit…

            I cannot leave these sites.

            I am addicted, not posting for ego, but posting to bait, or to enjoy feeling annoyed and frustrated. It’s like when you like being scared by horror films… you can’t look away, you have to walk down those cellar steps, or watch the video, or take a midnight swim in Lake Dead Backpacker… I invite all of these monsters to dance on my dead corpse. And they do, badly.

            So… moving on… no Quills again this month.

            I will write about Covid, even though I wont actually be writing any fiction or poems about Covid (hopefully). I am going to pretend it never happened, and I hope when spoken word returns, my local compere will ban any Covid related work, like he did with Brexit… and poems about dead grandmas, everyone is fed up with both.

                        ( That was the end of this months entry, but I have just noticed that ShaunRedDog44 has posted a poem over a picture of Princess Leia from Star Wars, in that metal bikini… It already has 97 likes, 43 loves and 12 wows. The poem is about the Holocaust, but that just goes to show that on these sites, side boobs will always come out on top, and will even earn Hitler a thumbs up or two.

JUNE 2021

LEAKING ROOF AND EURO 2020…

There was a leak at the Quill’s regular meeting place and everyone was swept up with Euro fever. Not to be confused with the fever we’ve been swept up with for the previous 18-months. I know this would normally be the start of some anecdotal tale to warn writers of the perils and pitfalls of our craft, some witty quip to spark your interest…

Well…

it’s not…

That simple. There was an actual leak and there was actual football. See you back here in July!

MAY 2021

OUT OF OFFICE HOURS…

Firstly, when you are a writer, regardless of ability, or success, or level, or choice of biscuit, there are no such things as office hours. Sitting in your “writing chair”, in your favourite “space” in the hours designated for your “craft” using a favourite “pen” and drinking “mommy’s special tea”, or “dad’s…”or just “special tea”, or just foregoing all pretence and just drinking, does not mean your “office hours” are confined to these conditions… or between these quotation marks.

(Also, and I slip it in here as it fits, please realise that I do have a habit of writing the opposite opinion or variation of opinion or in my opinion, a different opinion utilising old opinions, from the opinion I wrote about in previous entries. Also, also, which I personally think is a nifty trick, even opinions different from those opinions that I haven’t written in entries yet… and so… back to this one…)

            Being a writer, even a hobbyist, (aren’t we all?) is a 24/7, all consuming, invading, invasive beast of a hobby, that beggars the question of whether or not it is in fact, a hobby.

It isn’t.

It may seem as such…

but it isn’t.

It really isn’t.

I’m sure if you don’t yourself, you know a writer who never leaves the house without a piece of paper in some form, and a pen. You know, for that flash of inspiration, or snippet of overheard conversation, or remembering you need a small granary… which to be fair, is poetry itself.

            You can have strict writing times, yes.

            You can have a chair that is so comfortable, your mind does not have to worry about comfort.

            You can have a favourite pen.

            You can have a favourite biscuit you must eat, helps with memory apparently. Or that might be cakes…, “Madelaine… Madelaine, what’s them cakes called?”… oh yeah, I forgot, she’s gone out…

            You can have as many of these totems as you require or think you require and confine them all within certain hours only, or until you hit your word count, (no one likes accountants), but there are no restrictions that can prevent you from thinking, about writing, the rest of the time.

            This revelation crept up on me. Not like a ninja per se, but more like Marley’s ghost, in that I could hear this odd clanking in the distance of my conscious thoughts, until finally I realised the chains of freedom that writing brings you, are of my, and my fellow writers’ own forging.

            It’s not a bad thing.

            I don’t mean it to sound like I think it’s a bad thing.

            It’s just that I thought hobbies were meant to be more relaxing.

            But here’s the thing about hobbies, hobbies are not relaxing. Hobbies are insidious. Hobbies are control freaks. Hobbies are like pop stars needing constant validation and attention. We are merely reduced to being Justin Bieber’s arse wiper, or Ed Sheeran’s purse carrier or Adele’s cushion fluffer, or whatever, you get my point hopefully. And that is that we are all, whether we collect matchboxes or banana labels or hang glide or abseil or become serial killers, or worse, a writer, (there is really no such thing as a hobbyist writer), we are all slaves to what we have found to do that matches our psyche.

            We don’t pick our hobby so much as a hobby picks us. I am sure that like me, your past is a dark and crumbly facade that hides a plethora of failed hobbies. A battleground strewn with dead, half dead, as good as dead, or just those you wish were dead, hobbies.

            A few of mine include in no particular order…

            Autograph hunting… I was given an autograph book by my grandma. After about 40 years of hunting, the book has three signatures… John Inman, an actor. Keith Hargreaves, who’s whole professional football career consisted of playing 15 minutes for Rotherham in the Freight Rover Trophy, first round second leg, and was my postman, and finally, or firstly, as its on the first page, my grandma, who thought she would start me off.

            Surfing… living in Lincolnshire, our coastal repertoire does not include waves. The sea at Skegness doesn’t crash against the coast so much as trudges in, a bit like a schoolboy that has been sent to the headmaster’s office. Hawaii we are not, we are not even a knee high Cornwall. Plus, I can’t swim, so that hobby never got off the ground, or wet.

            I could go on… I usually do, but I think you get the picture.

            Writing found me accidentally, except that should be the other way around. Whichever perspective, the fact is it shapes me, it forms and informs me, it harasses and cajoles and bullies and shapeshifts and creeps and… overtakes my life in ways I never thought it could.

            Writing never sleeps.

How many times have you nearly been asleep, and thought of a wonderful line, a line more wonderful than all your other wonderful lines and promised yourself, promised promised promised, yourself, that you wont forget it when you wake up, and then you lay awake knowing you should get up and write it down, except its really cold outside and you’re really warm and before you know it another masterpiece has been snored away. A poet friend, in fact the editor of a magazine called Impspired (I know, edgy stuff, this is meta meta stuff) recently wrote a poem on this very matter and put it brilliantly, and also something about cat videos distracting the creative urge. Read it… it explains better than I can, but we all can relate, because he is a writer, and though we think we are different we are not so different underneath the Tippex.

Writing never sleeps then. Nor does it catnap, or snooze , because somewhere, it is fiddling with your subconscious, and as I have touched upon in previous entries, I defy any writer to look up into the sky without their mind refusing to call a cloud a cloud… it is like a phillumenist looking at a limited edition box of matches from the Titanic and merely calling it soggy, hobbyists do not have the willpower not to effuse on their chosen full time pastime.

            For instance, this is what happens when you are minding your own business, and someone you know spots you in the street, and asks if you are well…

            “Yes thank you, are you ?”… but they’re merely your outside words, your camouflage, for inside you are thinking, “I am the last bluebell in the wood, waiting for the snows to melt”, and though you know its pretentious and you will never make it fit into your latest “novel” about football hooliganism in Norwich, you automatically reach into your coat looking for a scrap of paper or a notebook and a pen, and don’t even register your fellow pedestrian’s answer because you are thinking of the next line and the next line… etc… it never bloody ends…

                        Like all my entries, I have forgotten the point of what I had to say by line three… but it doesn’t matter, because it still counts as hobbying, and most hobbies are selfish beasts. And to be fair, at least writing is a hobby where ability or success is irrelevant. Even if writing is not a hobby. It isn’t a hobby.

It’s like a hobby.

But it’s not a hobby.

Would I have been a good surfer if I could swim? Or a better autograph hunter if I had gotten a Beckham or a Rowling, in my book, or if my grandma had done something to make her famous?… probably not, but not knowing, or knowing what a dipthong is or how to even spell diphthong does not impede the trying, the doing, or in fact, the not doing. Very Yoda.

            Writing is exhausting at times, but being a writer is exhausting all the time.

            There is no Quills at the moment, what with Covid, and though I have promised myself I will not write Covid related poems or prose, it can’t be ignored… so in the future I will perhaps write an entry about it… but for now, ignorance is bliss, whether I realise I am the last bluebell in the woods or not, for life is a dying flower in the arms of mother nature and she rocks us all to sleep eventually… No.  Office hours or not, I’m not ever going to write that nonsense down.

APRIL 2021

NO, BUT I’VE WATCHED THE BOOK

Recently, for my birthday, a friend gave me a copy of David Copperfield. A well-meaning gift from a well-meaning friend, although I would have preferred socks, but then you never get bought socks when you actually need socks. …or perhaps sex, as I like her, but her idea of friends with benefits involves Charles Dickens and mine doesn’t, but still, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.

            I thought I had read David Copperfield.

            It turns out I haven’t

            I have seen a film version,

and to be honest, I think that’s the same. Almost. You can’t say that about every book, as it would make you seem like an oaf, but not everyone has read every classic book they say they have, but have read bits, or read quotes, or most likely watched an adaptation…

            It’s fine, honestly. I don’t think less of you. I don’t think that necessarily makes you a liar, an uncultured impostor, or an imbecilic buffoon. Look at Boris, he reads Greek poetry, In its original Greek, and he’s well, he’s Boris, but I don’t use the fact whether or not you have read Tess of the d’Urbevilles as an indication of your high or low level of culture.

            Some books, classic books are not meant to be read. They exist solely to embarrass people like me, and dare me to at least learn their titles and their authors primarily to help me win a free pint in pub quizzes, or a voucher for a free pudding if you spend over fifteen pounds though is inexplicably not redeemable on a two meals for the price of one deal is it Dave!….anyway, annoying landlords aside, some classic books exist in different ways for different people.

            I have read classic literature, of course I have. We had to read 1984 for ‘O’ level English Lit, and I did, except for the Newspeak boring bit in the middle, and scraped a pass, but that was mostly because in the months before the exam, the film version with John Hurt came out and I watched that instead of revising… scraped a pass, yes, but passed. I wouldn’t have read that by choice back then, as my reading matter included football magazines and war books by a chap called Sven Hassel, which were sweary and gory and fun.  1984…not so much.

            It makes me think that people don’t read classics, or as many as they pretend to, because they are forced on us… and yes, I understand the educational side of the argument as that is really, if I’m honest, the only side of the argument, but I do think if my teacher had used Shoot magazine as part of my syllabus, I would have got an ‘A’, and still come away with how literature works… sort of. And who is to say that actually, when it comes to football magazines, Shoot isn’t a classic of its genre.

            I digress. But don’t worry. I always do. The point, if any, is that people lie about what books they have read.

            They do .

            I do.

            We all do, and if that’s not true, then I will eat my copy of The Great Gatsby. May as well do something with it. That brings up another point. Not all classic literature is dry, and wheezy and unreadable and hard. Most isn’t. But I still don’t feel I need to read Wuthering Heights, because there have been numerous film or TV adaptations. I am not denying myself the joy of reading, of self-discovery, because I can get that wonderful pleasure from reading a good paperback, but I don’t need to read all the classics… I just need to know what classics I should have read.

            There is paradox here, as usual with my theories. Either because they are bad theories or because they are theories that sit on the fence, because I don’t know where I am going with the point, which is classic me, I suppose, and like the classics, my poems, or books, are poems and books that people only pretend to have read (though for very different reasons).

            I find there is something pernicious, something a little sinister in those lists that get bandied about, Those “100 books You Must Read Before You Die”, lists. It’s as if you are nothing if you do not read every single book, it isn’t recommendation so much as having a double glazing salesman embedded on your couch, unwilling to leave until you have signed up for new windows and doors. There is an element of coercion, of making you feel your neighbours will sneer at your inferior frontage… these lists are nothing more than intellectual bullying (I haven’t any more windows analogies).

            When someone asks me, “what is the best book you have ever read?”, I like to take a moment, as if I’m thinking. As if I am giving the matter a great deal of thought. I look the person in the eye, and with great solemnity reply,,, “I would like to think, that that will be the next book I read… or the one after that…. or the…”. To which they either nod in respect for my great wisdom, or nod, hiding their jealousy because I came up with that nonsense, and they didn’t.

            Of course, a rookie mistake is to say a book, a classic book, that you haven’t read, as questions may be asked. So, my non answer is born from experience gleaned from hours of not actually reading any classics at all, and so far, it has worked like a charm…

            However,

            My friend, who gave me David Copperfield for my birthday, came to see me yesterday.

            She asked me if I had read the book yet.

            I lied of course, and said yes, and thank you very much, it was wonderful etc etc… vague but sufficient I thought, and tried to veer the conversation to the benefits of our friendship that I thought would benefit me most. She was not finished however, and maybe it was my preoccupation with her body and not her mind that caused me, of all people, to make that rookie mistake, for when she asked my opinion on David’s childhood, I responded with confidence, replying that it was very well written and I thought Magwitch the escaped felon was indeed a masterly creation of a character…

                        She had made excuses shortly after that and left, and has I think, no intention of further friendship, as that is what I think she has decided would benefit her best. Because a little later, I realised that I had confused David Copperfield which I haven’t read, for Great Expectations, which I haven’t read either, but I have watched a film version of both, and mixed one of those books characters, with that from the other and so as punishment I have decided to read David Copperfield.

            I have read two chapters, and it’s hard. Classics are hard. I don’t think anybody reading this will condemn me too much for picking up the remote control, and seeing if there is a version of it on Netflix… because it’s a lot easier to watch most classic literature, than to read it.

MARCH 2021

BEND OVER, AND TAKE IT LIKE A WRITER

Discipline.

A writer needs discipline.

S & M…

Simile and metaphor,

sentence and meter,

synonyms and metonyms….

a writer needs self discipline, structure and motive,

Smarties and Maltesers…

I think that’s enough. You see though? No discipline, for like the vicars you used to read about in the News of the World, I do not practice what I preach.

Discipline when used in reference to writers and writing has, well, it has a lot of disciplines, sub genres of them actually, and one needs discipline of discipline to be able to adapt and adhere to the discipline you choose, while all the time, administering self discipline so as not to deviate from said discipline…..

As you can see, I have none.

I don’t.

Not any. Zero discipline.

I think it makes me the writer I am, but what it actually makes me is unqualified to write about discipline… and as such, that means I do not have the discipline not to say, isn’t that ironic?

Of course, facetious use of double meanings of words like discipline, is perhaps a discipline in itself, and as writers are wont to do, I shall beat myself up over this. I will scour myself with the Brillo pad of self doubt and whip my back with a celica like the albino monk from The DaVinci Code, in penance, for my faithless lack of self belief, because all writers gravitate to self mutilation in the end.

Harsh, or not. It is a mute point because discipline is its own harsh mistress, and yet at the same time can be a steadying hand, caressing you gently into meeting your target or deadline, or just giving you a hand…( I have just realised a celica is a brand of Toyota, and so the albino monk probably didn’t use that to flail his own back)…

Some writers will wake into a world of routine, where every second of their day is accounted for, well, at least the writing part. Some writers will treat it like a job, like a shift, like a day down the mine, hacking their way through the fog of poor ideas, until, hopefully, a nugget is unearthed.

I hate those writers, because they never say their best work was buried beneath the slag, dug from out a huge pile of wasted hours where the only other useful thing they wrote was a reminder to themselves that it’s Thursday tomorrow and so the bins need putting out.

Discipline though.

They have discipline. And that works like that for some. It is the joy, maybe, of writing that we can accommodate such vagaries of method, and what works for those pompous, arrogant, supercilious know-it-alls, doesn’t work for some of us, and I have no ill feelings for those who can rise and shine in the glow from their own halos.

I like my method, but only because it has found me, as other methods have found me wanting, and so I can’t actually take credit for my, or for my lack of, discipline. A method should not be forced, it should be organic, it should be an osmosis, it should come with wiggle room.

I would like to think that William Shakespeare wrote Twelfth Night after waking up in the middle of the night with indigestion, or that Alan Bennett wrote down the outline for a play on the back of a cigarette packet while on the number 6 bus on the way to the chiropodists, or that Jeffery Archer wrote at least one novel on toilet paper in his cell between slopping out times , rather than imagining them clocking on and off . I don’t know Shakespeare’s methods or Bennett’s or Archer’s, and they maybe in fact as undisciplined as mine, and that’s great, because end product rules, it did in Will’s time, as it does now, and discipline is just another discipline within the discipline of finished work, and we will always beat ourselves up, no matter what our preferences.

At the Quills, Maureen conflates discipline with obedience and therefore she doesn’t care how you got to where you are, just that she gets the credit and can dictate to whoever comes within her clutches, the discipline she requires for compliance.

This weeks Quills, contained only old faces, and we sat like veteran soldiers who thought a reunion would help the night tremors go away. Maureen made you feel like that, like you were comrades in arms, that sense of taking a bullet for the man next to you, while all the time secretly waiting to use each other like human shields.

Maureen, had shared with us once, how she writes. It turned out that it wasn’t with the blood of young children, inked into the stretched skin of dead immigrants like Alan had thought, I like Alan, but was worse in a way. She wrote, she informed us, in her conservatory. But only, she informed us again, when the light was just so. Just so what? I had thought… but didn’t ask as I didn’t want to sound not informed, but she went on to tell us. In detail. There was a lot that had to be just so, and I thought at one point someone would just ask if she had heard of electricity, but no one did. Maureen was shedding light anyway, imparting the secret of her genius as if we had come to suckle on her mighty bosom (metaphorical bosom… I once saw one of her nipples poking out her blouse and still have trouble turning on switches), and when she had finished, I had to ask… I didn’t but couldn’t not, and said,

“ Thanks Maureen, it’s interesting ( !!! ) isn’t it, how people have different disciplines..”

“Not a discipline R…….”

“No, I mean, how you have the discipline to not write unless..”

“Not a discipline. Please stop saying my writing is a discipline, it is not a discipline, it is so much more”

“ No, obviously, but no, yes, but I mean how you will only write if the light is just so, if your tea is just the right temperature, if your neighbours are out, if the cushion is just so, if the birds chirping in the Leylandii are the correct sort of birds chirping in the Leylandii… that’s what I meant, the discipline to do that, that sort of discipline”

Maureen had leant over and smiled at me like she had been a shopkeeper and I was a child caught with a pocketful of unpaid for Smarties and Maltesers, knowing what punishments she had in store for thieves and ingrates like me, and said,

“My writing is not a discipline R… my writing is a gift”

Sometimes, all one can do, is bend over and take it like a writer.

Now that’s discipline.

FEBRUARY 2021

TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN IVY

  Sorry about last month’s entry. Lost the plot a bit. Oh well. Writer’s and drama, who knew ?

As you can tell, I occasionally have a very poor opinion of writers.  As people I mean.  Now, I’m sure you, whoever you may be, are a lovely person, a kind person, the sort of person who is good to animals and not too suspicious of small children… I have no way of knowing if you are nice or not.

Except… if you are reading this, then you are probably a writer, and that probably means that no, you are not as nice as you would like people to think. But I write about gardens, you might say, or, butterflies, or you write one act plays about spinsters finding love in the meals for one aisle in their local supermarket, and so you automatically assume that because you write about nice things, that means you are nice.

            You’re not.

            Probably.

            Statistically, you’re not.

            And please don’t feel bad.

            Not being as nice as what you write is no hindrance at all. It is in fact, one of those essential tools that How To Write Good books don’t tell you that you need. I don’t mean you are necessarily an evil person, not actively, but not being nice is not something you should worry about. I honestly believe not being nice in real life, enables you to be nicer on the page.

            I don’t know if you remember that woman who put the cat in her wheelie bin on her way to work one morning? She was quite the news item at the time. Well, what you may not know, is that she also writes beautiful stories about a wee girl who lives in a Scottish lighthouse with her grandpa and has a special gift when it comes to healing all the local wildlife… so you see, it is almost essential not to be nice in real life…

            Rudyard Kipling was a racist.

            JK Rowling apparently hates trans gender people.

            Winston Churchill is either hated or loved depending on whether it’s drizzling or not, despite being a Nobel Prize winner for literature… and Harold Shipman was a serial killer, in fact the worst one who has ever been caught… so you see, being good at writing has nothing to do with being nice in real life.

            Okay, to be fair, Shipman probably only wrote prescriptions… and the woman who put the cat in a wheelie bin does not to my knowledge, write anything, but I couldn’t think of more example without googling and that smacks too much like research… it’s just that if I am going to be mean about fellow writers in this column on occasion, then I needed some facts, even false ones.

Moving on…

            This month at the Tranquillity Tea and Cake, writing group was a very interesting affair.

The subject of authenticity popped up, after Sheila with the timeshare in Sarajevo and a milky eye, read her poem to the group, which involved her at one point, imitating an elderly Jewish grandparent whose only contribution to the poem was to utter an “Oy,Vey”… I think that’s close enough, not being Jewish myself, I don’t really care as long as it means what it’s meant to mean.           

            Maureen, had squirmed in her seat, obviously uncomfortable. I don’t know if that was because she had Jewish Grandparents, or because of the unhealthy interest in political correctness that has befallen people who tend to wear a lot of cardigans.

            Undeterred, Sheila had looked around the group when she had finished. Her one good eye bright in anticipation for all the praise that she thought was due, and I did indeed clap a little too vigorously, because inside I thought her poem had been awful, but I knew Maureen was still coming to terms with the OY Vey.

            “Are you Jewish, Sheila?” Maureen had enquired… nicely,

            “No,” She had replied… “Me and Arthur are Methodists.”

Maureen had leant forward, then, in what she thought was victory and said,

            “Well then dear, I don’t think it is appropriate to speak as an elderly Jewish man, a poets voice must be authentic…”

You would have thought that by now, I would have learnt my lesson, in fact my many lessons, and kept quiet….”Excuse me Maureen, “, I interrupted, “ but isn’t having your elderly Jewish character say oyyy vehy mean that you are being authentic. As that is what, I believe, an elderly Jewish man would say”

            “But Sheila is a Methodist,  and I believe that Methodists, elderly Methodists or not, do not say oy vey”

            “But,” I continued, “ the person in the poem isn’t an elderly Methodist is he?…if he was and he said oYYY veY,  then that wouldn’t be authentic… but he’s Jewish…”

And here came, what to Maureen was irrefutable logic, and that was,

            “Yes, and the fact that he isn’t an elderly Methodist just proves how unauthentic the poets voice is, doesn’t it, because Sheila is not Jewish, and therefore, her voice is not her own”…

Now, my responses organizing themselves, no, fighting over each other to be released from out my head were thus… for a start, Maureen is hardly ever right about authenticity as she has not had an original thought in her own head since she picked up a pen… then there was the fact that Sheila was visibly upset and being told her voice was unauthentic and had withdrawn into her chair so much her milky eye now resembled one of the fabric buttons… but mostly, and the reason that had won the fight to stand on the tip of my tongue was that it was bullshit… completely and utterly.

Did Tolkien ever meet an Orc.

Did Lewis ever fall through the back of a wardrobe.

Did Dr Seuss follow the clues and read the news and put red fish blue fish in his shoes… look, the point is, that was the most stupid thing I had ever heard Maureen say,  and, truth be told, by the time all the infighting inside my head had subsided, we had moved on, and Derek was half way through yet another poem about the Bypass…

            Sheila had glanced over in my direction, and, I think, winked at me, though it’s hard to tell with Sheila, she may have just been blinking, but I took it as thanks anyway.

Alan, I like Alan, had said afterwards, that if I hadn’t said something he would have, but being as I did such a good job, he thought there was no need to wade in. It wasn’t till later that night while watching Aston Villa lose yet again on Match of the Day, that I realised Alan was actually taking the mickey, and that I had actually cocked it up…

            Oh well, as my Episcopalian granddad said when the Nazis burnt down his mosque in Tibet,

            “ Ivy, did you put next door’s cat in the wheelie bin again?

JANUARY 2021

JOHN HURT’S CHEST

Recently, I compared writers who regularly come together,  to troops of feral rutting monkeys. This is not an apology, but more of a recap, for if anyone does ever read these journals, I want them to know I am a man of my word, and that I stand by my cynicism.

            Of course, not everything I write can be held to such scrutiny, as writing gives you the freedom to lie, to mislead, and best of all, the tacit permission to be an arse.

            Sweeping statement?

            Of course it is.

            But for those who find themselves beneath my carpet where I have swept them, let them find comfort in the fact the pile is huge.

            Writers strive to be interesting in real life which I find exhausting. I also think it is wasted energy, as surely such efforts should be concentrated on their work. It is not mutually inclusive that an interesting person is an interesting writer… if I met Mr King, or Mr Pratchett and they were dull as dishwater, I would be less disappointed than I would be if their latest book was a brick.

            I see that there is a conflict here. In that should I then judge a person only as a writer? Should I ignore the fact that they are just like everyone, and are just living their lives as best they can, that it is their interesting lives that make them writers, and not the other way around?

            Yes.

            I should judge them by their work.

            I do judge them by their work.

            Its what every writer wants.

            And if a writer is interesting in their own right, then I see that as a bonus, and not as exhausting as a writer who is desperate to be taken as more  than the sum of their output, and yes, I see the paradox. In one breath I am saying I only judge a writer by his works, at the same time as I am  judging a writer for being their self, or trying to be a more interesting version of their self. It is a paradox because writing is a paradox, it is, and as an example,  I will bet that out of all the fellow writers you know, the most humble is the one who receives the most praise.

            Write about what you know.

            Good advice?.

            No… yes, but only to a certain point. What you know should inform your writing, not become the main, and in most cases, the only arrow in your quiver. Otherwise my stuff would be the same, and I would churn endless pieces about knowing how not to do things very well, how to cook a pot noodle, and how I knew my wife was having an affair with Colin.

            Tolkien never actually met a Hobbit,  Atwood never was a handmaiden, Dahl didn’t work at a chocolate factory and yet they wrote as if they had, because they added little bits of this and that to an already active imagination and that is what informed their writing.

            Spoken word, is quite often abused by writers. They seem to save their most personal experiences as badges of honour, honing the correct delivery so that we will feel with them what they feel, so we may empathise, but at the same time, feel jealous that their heartache has better flow, and a more interesting and more erudite vocabulary.

            After my first few spoken word events where I was merely a spectator, I honestly thought that every poet who put their name down to perform, had, by law, to have a poem in their repertoire about their dead grandma, preferably one who raised them  single handedly while finding the time to teach them to cook, to love animals, to love humans, to love oneself goddamnit, and other geriatric nuggets of wisdom. Too many see spoken word nights as free therapy and forget they are supposed to entertain the audience, and not to just elicit sympathy just by talking about something that elicits sympathy… Look, I’m not writing a how to guide, just a journal with monthly rants that swerve at everything in their path, not caring whether I miss or hit the point I started with… and that’s okay, because being confused and inattentive is what I know best.

            This is what writing does to me,

            And you,

            perhaps.

            Probably, because we are all interesting in our own ways, and being a writer doesn’t stop me from seeing that. It’s me that stops me from seeing that. Me. And I can live with that.

            I often think about being interesting, but it just seems so time consuming. Not worth the effort really. And to be honest, I have set my bar pretty low, and if ever I do break free and do say anything interesting, my fellow writers look at me with surprise, and react like the other actors did, when that alien burst out from John Hurt’s chest,  because none of us really know what a writer has inside them… least of all the writer.

DECEMBER 2020

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR – ‘I know I dropped the ball’

NOVEMBER 2020

THE TAMING OF THE SHOE.

Puns don’t kill people, but people kill puns.

            They either roll their eyes at the thought of them, or dismiss them as cheap or childish, or wont even read on after encountering them, and that’s just those people who can tolerate the odd one. Such is their unpalatable nature to some, that a writer who uses them regularly is looked down upon with such disgust, it’s a punder that they don’t topple over.

            I like the odd one, but do not get as upset as some when they are prevalent, my only stipulation for puns is quality, they must be quality puns. And as such, I wont be writing any more in this entry.

            I love Terry Pratchett’s books, which are pun laden to the max, but he hits the quality button so many times that you are prepared to gloss over the odd dud. His books often have a quite serious undercurrent to them and he dissects the inequalities of society with a light but scathing touch. They make me laugh, and I like that in a book, more so than I like comedy in the flesh, and I find his writing has more depth than most. Of course, people will say he wasn’t Saul Bellow… but Saul Bellow wasn’t really Saul Bellow in the end was he?… no, and a few puns may have even helped his later output. Puns are the Schrodingers cat of the menagerie of creatures a writer has at their disposal. They can be both apt and funny and on the money as they can simultaneously to others be unfunny, inappropriate, and so not on the money that they are claiming benefits.

            I don’t use puns very often, because I’m not usually amusing when I try to be amusing, I am mostly amusing when I am trying to write seriously, and often when reading my pieces at the Quills, I am surprised when someone laughs at a line I have written, I’m not a moron, I know it was amusing, just not amusing enough for someone else. So puns are usually a stretch in the wrong direction, but I do have them in my back catalogue.

            I know people who wont read Pratchett because of all the puns, and I feel they are missing out, but each to their own.  Although I feel not reading him at all for that particular reason would be like not listening to Mozart because you don’t like bassoons.

            So… puns don’t do any real harm.

            They don’t.

            You may think they do… but they don’t.

            Bad puns should be treated like a bad analogy, or a sentence that seems clumsy, just read on and hope it was an author’s slight mis-step, a literary hiccough , a ………….

…………….(pun removed for the reason of it not being required, nor welcome)… and therefore no harm has really been done at all. But I think it is equally as wrong to praise them too highly, just as it is to deride them too sneeringly. They should be allowed to breathe for themselves, to exist in an almost vacuum… you can’t actually breathe in a vacuum can you?… but my point is that they should be left to just exist as much as the author intended.

            Maureen, our esteemed leader at the Quills, hates them…

            She does possess a sense of humour, and has been known to smile once or twice  Alan calls it her John Wayne Gacy clown smile (I like Alan), and she has a laugh that resembles gravel falling into a saucepan. Regular readers at our monthly writers group therefore, avoid puns like the plague, and are mortified if one slips into their poems by accident. Which is a shame as accidental puns are sometimes the best ones… or that may be Freudian nips, Sue would know, I will ask Sue.

            This afternoon at the Tranquillity Tea and Cake, a new guy had shown up. Thomas, a nice guy in his fifties , a semi retired radiologist and widower who lost his wife whale watching.

            That last piece of brief biography, that all newcomers are asked to provide to the room, seemed as if it was waiting for questions, but Maureen had been in a hurry to start and Thomas had left at the interval because of his indifference to us all, and so no questions were asked… I don’t even think Maureen had been listening.

            Thomas had brought a piece that he had written recently, about how looking at X-rays does not reveal what’s really inside a person. I counted five eye rolls, from three people, heard one cough, and saw Maureen stiffen slightly in her chair. Maureen was expecting puns, everybody was expecting puns, and Thomas had expected puns, because he knew for damn sure there would be puns. And there were. He had written them.

            Big fat ones about transparency.

            Huge chubby ones about wearing ones feelings on your sleeve

            Plump and juicy ones about flesh and bones….

It was a punfight a … (final warning)… it was carnage.

            Maureen sat there stoically.

            Heroically.

            Seething inside. But like all good hosts, she let Thomas finish, applauded with the equal amount of enthusiasm bestowed on everyone, and then gave her critique… she said it was fine.

The whole room gasped inwardly and silently for to have Maureen describe your poetry as fine was the kiss of death, and deep down, I think even Thomas realised he had crossed some invisible line, hence his early departure.

            This is the thing about puns though isn’t it. If you are to either defend or attack them, you must first try them on for size, master them enough so you don’t topple over, and then walk a mile in them, for then you can truly say that you tried, and that if all puns are not exactly Shakespearean, they are at least someone’s  Taming of the……………….……………….. right , that’s it , you were warned, … its time you buggered off… and found a real hobby.

OCTOBER 2020

… Right About… There… No… There… That’ll Do.

Before I started writing seriously, (or should that be seriously writing.?), I knew I was either bad, good, or adequate at stuff.  For instance, I knew I was bad at keeping in touch with friends, good at making excuses for not keeping in touch with friends, and lucky enough to have friends who thought my level of friendship merely adequate, and therefore I was not worth all the chasing.

            Writing friends are different.

            They are.

            You may say that they are not.

            But you would be wrong.

            Firstly, writing friends are not like “real life “friends in that writing friends are always concerned with your opinions. The fact that those opinions are about their writing, is okay with you, as you may need their opinions about your own writing and therefore, you keep in touch with your writing friends in some weird parasitical communal love-in, with all the other writer friends you know.   

            On a spoken word night, groups of writing friends will mingle with other groups of writing friends, but as soon as the compere steps to the microphone in his cardigan with the blackcurrant stain down the front to begin proceedings, the groups clump together in their own simian funk, the continuous pats on the back and the knee making them seem like monkeys at grooming happy hour.

            If we were bonobos, we would probably be full of wilder abandonment, and probably each other, such is the feral need within us for the carnality of validation from one’s peers, such is the animalistic joy of throwing your work out like faeces and knowing at least it will stick on to the blanket of brown nosing you take comfort under….and…

            Sorry… that got a little weird, I was just going to go with an analogy about putting shelves up in the back bedroom but this is what writing does to us, you, some of us…me.

            And it’s nice

            It is. It really is.

            If I made it seem these friendships are fake, I apologise. Not all of them are, and I have a couple of friends from writing that I consider the best friends I have ever had, but I am talking here about the friendships that are defined by our mutual interests. And there is nothing wrong with them, at all, in fact they are, indeed, nice. But they are also based on parameters that only exist in the paragraphs and the meters we write in, as in if it wasn’t for this shared interest, there are certain people in the Quills that if I were to knock them down in my car, I would probably call an ambulance, after I had first found reverse.

            There is camaraderie between writers, of course there is. That feeling of being in it together, that clapping good stuff is the same as clapping bad stuff, that it is effort that is being applauded, that it is the guts to do it that is being applauded. Equality. It is all about equality.

            Now we have all stopped laughing, let us return to the clapping. Maureen at the Quills, will not tolerate a lot of things (immigrants, beggars, jaffa cakes, customers in shorts, immigrant beggars, to name a few), but she will under no circumstances, tolerate finger clicking. Maureen has perfected, over the years, a gentle art of clapping equally, Alan calls it her Crapometer of clap. (I like Alan),

            Equality of clap, however, bears no relation to the critique. It is as if one exists without the other, which is, I think, applaudable. I do, and I know that will surprise you after my diatribe but I do. I am all for applauding effort. I however struggle to applaud the bravery aspect of it as some of the most timid writers I know, if put in front of a microphone, become harder to dislodge than a Tory MP at a free bar. But I do applaud bravery when it is obvious somebody has not reached the limpet level grip, on minutes or mic stands.

            And this is my problem. When everyone claps my efforts equally, I cannot gauge where I am in the hierarchy of our little troop of monkeys. Of course, in the Quills, we employ the read and critique method of writing group, and that gives me a little more to go on. But at open mic nights when other monkey troops are there, and they are clapping each poem equally, as is the etiquette for spoken word nights, I am lost, for rarely do strange monkeys come over and start checking your fur for lice in fear of upsetting their own troop’s monkeys, and as each monkey in each troop is equal and therefore equally the alpha, praise is almost irrelevant, and seeking it can get you bitten

            I paint a bad picture of lovely people; I know I do. But before I started writing seriously (definitely not seriously writing), I was content with just calling someone a moron under my breath and walking away. And I know some of you have friends like this, but more friends that are not like this at all, but I also know I have hit a sore spot. And like my overuse of the word and to start my sentences, I will not change, because I know where I am now, I know where I stand, I know my place and it’s probably where yours is in your little troop,

            which is about there… there… no… there… that’ll do.

SEPTEMBER 2020

TWEE MEN IN A BOAT. …with apologies to Mr Jerome.

I learnt at The Quills, (do keep up), pretty early that to describe somebody’s poetry as a bit twee, maybe not as complimentary as I may, or may not, have meant it to be.

            And yes, that does seem vague as whether I was being mean intentionally or not, because I wanted to show you an example of critiquing poetry based on what you like personally. It is fraught with disagreements from those who disagree, and you find yourself defending yourself instead of defending your critique… it’s best to just keep your mouth shut.

            Twee. I have to admit that I had to google it when I got home, but was pleased to find that I had used it correctly, and that gave me a little bit of satisfaction which was enough to assuage any lingering guilt I may have had, after calling Alice’s  poetry twee, which had led to  Alice crying on Maureen’s reading time which didn’t go down well at all.

            Alice is a bit horrible, so I didn’t care if I had upset her. She has a lovely turn of phrase at times. ‘A path at night a moonlit scar’ or, ‘the pink threads in a shredded blanket sky’, being two examples I liked this week but when you hear the whole poem… it’s just a bit… twee.

As a human being she is horrible, yes, but she does have talent and I so want to like her, but I can’t, I just can’t. I won’t go into the long list of horrible things she has done, but let’s just say that at least one member of the Quills has been deported and another has had their benefits stopped for being reported for moonlighting at a mini market.

            Alan (I like Alan), calls her the Poisoned Alice, or Stalin in mittens, and he won’t even speak to her, and not just because he had a Christmas grope with Mia who is now, thanks to the “anonymous “ tip to the immigration people, presumably back in Kazakhstan..

            So, back to my critique. I wasn’t sure if I was surprised or not, that some people actively seek to be twee… that that is the style they wish to write and read, and so what if they do? Exactly.    

People can’t like everything.

They can’t.

They really really can’t.

And the ones who say they do… are lying.

And twee is an opinion, and not a genre of poetry at all, according to Sue. And Sue, who is occasionally twee-ish, but a talented writer in any style, is clued up, and so I usually listen to Sue.

            Maureen doesn’t like Sue either, so we kind of bonded over that.

            In all fairness, we only really respect critique when its given by people who we respect, or who we think we should respect. Or who we want to impress. I am as guilty as anyone on that score, and so bring several poems to choose from to read aloud, and depending on who is present, read the ones I think they will like the best. Everyone filters in their own way… of course some assume everything they write is awesome and their filter is turned off, unlabeled, hidden, tucked in the waistband of their egos’.

            But we all want critique to be good… and we all prefer good to constructive. Of course people seek advice and instruction, but that’s more in composing skills, formatting, counting syllables, etc… constructive criticism is not welcome when you have read a piece to a group of your peers (who you think you are better than)…

            Twee.

            I think its okay to be twee if you are not trying to write a homage to the Wasteland, or trying to out beat the Beats. Maureen once said that a style finds you and she is right. It does, and if you only churn out three hundred poems about your garden and robins that visit your garden and flowers that grow in your garden and the circle of life that circles in your garden, then so what?… and even if I don’t like them, they have still made the world  slightly less unpalatable.

People love Pam Ayres. They do. Thousands do. Because she delivers what they want, and not all are twee, but they are gentle and only occasionally a little naughty. I like a couple, but I do admire her resolve and her commitment… its a bit like how Katy Price thinks she’s still famous… except Pam has written her own books…          

            I am not twee. I am a lot of things, and can be twee if I wanted to be… but I am not twee.

Maureen said the style comment when asked  how she would describe my writing. It was a pregnant pause that seemed to last quite a lot longer than it actually did, and I was surprised when what she had replied with was a considered, well thought out and erudite response…

            “Maureen,”, asked Alice, “ how would you describe R……..’s writing style, as it seems to be different with each poem he reads”…….

                                                (pregnant pause)

            “ Well”, Maureen considered, “ I would have to say that style and R……. are a long way from each other at the moment.”

            Well I took it as considered and well thought and erudite answer, but then that’s what critique really is. Its a boat on the waves that your ego rows down your ear canal into your brain where you only really hear the bits that you want to… and style is just the helmsman, your passion the cabin boy (that sounds wrong now but I’m committed), and your ability the salty old sea dog of a skipper, and whether or not you call your boat the Beatnik, the Pam Ayres or The Wasteland, it will only be as seaworthy,  as any twee men in a boat.

AUGUST 2020

COMPETITION.

Poets like to say, that there is no such thing as competition.  Between their work, nor themselves. Obviously, one has to ask therefore, why is there so many competitions for poets to enter, where they compete with other poets who don’t believe in competition… to win a competition. It is a lie. It is a lie so badly told and so badly does it stand up to scrutiny, it is as if Boris Johnson is our poet laureate, and has sworn on a copy of The Complete Idiots Guide to Making Stuff Up, that it is in fact… a fact.

            I do not enter writing competitions for a couple of reasons. The first of those reasons is that I am terrible with technology. What may seem a simple task to somebody else, leaves me in a cold panic, and I convince myself that at any minute, I will press the wrong key and send nuclear missiles to South Korea. I do not e-mail. I do not Skype. I do not play Space Invaders. I do not bank online; I do not cut and paste or tweet or instagram or spotify or anything much really. I do not even own a mobile phone. I think this is a valid reason, as most if not all competitions expect some form of electronic interaction, mostly the submitted work and the entry fee.

            The second reason why, and this one is the one we suspect but don’t like to admit, and that is that 98 percent of the time, competitions are fixed. They are, deep down, you know this is true, and though my estimate of the percentage may be out, a little high maybe, I stand by the statement.

Most poetry competitions are fixed.

They are.

This is not sour grapes. I do not enter them, for the reasons stated and also because I am not a good loser, but that’s not really the point here. How many times have you looked at the winners of a competition, whether it’s one you have entered or not and thought…

            “They’re not very good… surely there were better ones to choose from?”, I know I have. And of course, there are honest competitions out there, there are. It’s just that they are the minority.

            If you look at a winners list, as in first, second, third etc, and do a little digging, you will see that they all know each other, that they are known to the judges, or that they have all submitted to the same poetry journals, or been on writing courses given by a judge or someone in his circle, and in a lot of cases, are sleeping with each other. (Okay, the last one isn’t probably true… but it’s nice to pretend poets have an edge to them now and again).

            This isn’t all gossip and supposition. This is a popular view amongst… and this may shock you, amongst poetry journal editors. They have known this exists for years, and it is only the fact that the internet has afforded poets who don’t think poetry is competitive, a vast and multitudinous amount of poetry competitions, that this isn’t so glaringly obviously happening.

            You may disagree. That was a statement, not permission, and so you will probably be a little angry with me… so angry, in fact, you will probably write in to complain and write that this is a horrible and libellous accusation and that the fourteen poetry competitions that you have won in your brother-in-law’s poetry journal were won fair and square.

            On a positive note, because this has been brought to light recently in a number of articles written by more intelligent and less bitter poets than myself, steps are being taken to clean up the voting and award giving procedures… but like in cricket… you can only see an Australian sandpaper a ball after he’s done it… I know that makes no sense, but I always like to remind myself of when Steve Smith cried on television because he got caught cheating…

            The monthly session of the Quills was yesterday, and as usual, my post mortem was sat there waiting for me when I woke up this morning, perched on the memory part of my brain like an Australian cricketer (again, I’m really sorry)… There was the usual attendees, I won’t name them all, as some I have mentioned in previous entries, and the rest will, I am sure, be mentioned in the future.  Bob was there. And Bob, smug pretentious cardigan real ale bag of bread in his coat pocket to feed the pigeons outside Marks and Spencer’s, is a competition winner. I won’t go over old ground, and whether or not he won a fair competition or not… a competition winner Bob is. Bob has been known to go a whole session without mentioning it once, but very rarely.  Alan calls him Bob by name Bob by talent, (I like Alan), and it is true… his poetry is terrible… but a competition winner he still be.

            Bob won the Goole and District Chamber of Commerce Poetry Award of the Year For All Ages and Gender Currently Living in a Fifteen Mile Radius as Counted from Pickerstaff’s Water Tower… or the GDCCPAYFAAGCLFMRCPWT for short. And though this was in 1970 something, Bob has never risen above the heights of such an illustrious beginning. He has read the winning poem several times, mostly when Maureen says there is enough time to go round the room again.  It is… and one must remember that I have my opinion, and you have the wrong one if it’s different to mine, it is… Bob’s poetry is… it’s… but then he won a competition so it can’t be… bad… can it?   

            It is.

            Really.

            Really really bad. So bad in fact, here’s an example from a poem he read out a few days after the Grenfell disaster, when countless people lost their lives in that block of flats.

‘and I could feel the children crying, could feel the heat they felt as their skin was melting’

            ‘all because of substandard building regulations for insulation and felting’

            Horrendous, and it would be even more so if it were not so heartfelt, or if he truly did not believe it was a sincere and appropriate tribute to the victims… because if he had done it as a joke, I think I would have punched him.

            He is one of those poets that think they are needed. That his poems are little pools of heaven that we might float on above and beyond the flames of the hell that is affordable housing in half derelict concrete egg boxes .He thinks he can heal the world, and God bless him, he isn’t a bad guy, just a bad poet, and I am pleased he won something, once.

            Competition is alive and well. It is in all of us, and cannot be dismissed by the virtuous, or by the non-participants like myself. It is there every time we hear a rivals work, there every time we open a poetry book, every time we finish a line, for doesn’t the biggest competition of all occur right in the heart of us… it does. 

            A famous stone mason once chiseled above a door about it not being about the winning , but about taking part, and though I am paraphrasing, it also said in smaller chiseled letters, that competition is how you spin it , and that not all of us will get caught rubbing sandpaper on the ball.

JULY 2020

THE POETS PROBLEM WITH STICKS.

Maureen doesn’t like me very much.

I added the very much bit… what I really meant was Maureen doesn’t like me at all.

She is our leader, our founder and our resident red pencil grammar Nazi. Even when we read out loud, she can hear the mistakes as if she is reading them over your shoulder, it is an amazing talent, honestly, it is. But then Hitler could paint a bit, and apparently remember whole conversations from years back… maybe dictatorship and being artistically mediocre go hand in hand. Perhaps genocides only happen because some general was told his macrame was not up to scratch.

            Anyway, as usual when talking about Maureen, I have ended up with Hitler so I will move swiftly on… except it’s difficult to move on from Maureen. Maureen is present. And when I say present I mean present as in she is everywhere… as owner also, of The Tranquillity Tea and Cake, she has been imprinted over her twelve years of ownership into every floorboard, into every seat and cushion and is a singular entity spread into the very space the teashop inhabits.

Maureen is also not very good at writing. Harsh perhaps. I myself am no Terry Pratchett, nor Wilfred Owen, nor… other writers that have actually sold something, but it is true nonetheless. Maureen is bad. Really, really bad.

            At the Quills, we always review what one of us has read out, and as you well know, critique is only welcome if it comes in the same shape of gushing praise, and a wow or two. Now, if you happened to read last month’s issue, you will have read that I said writing is easy, and it is, apart from all the hard bits I also mentioned, writing is very easy indeed. Critique, is not. Easy. To give or to take. That, is, if the critique is not in the same shape as gushing praise, and the wows are more of a… ”oh”, then it is crushing, disheartening, suffocating and, as we all will not admit, smugly funny when aimed at somebody else.

            I won’t be discussing critique today, as I don’t want to.

            Maureen is bad at writing and has the boundless lack of self-awareness on the matter that all bad writers share. What Maureen does have though, is the self-awareness that her name is lacking in the poetical department, that her name does not quite match her poetry, her ethereal, fey poetry she seems drawn to and relishes in, or as Alan likes to call it, her Malice in Blunderland stuff. (I like Alan). Maureen Spittle she realised, does not cut the mustard, and so she sought a name more suited to bosky glades or meandering streams.

            Delphine. That is her pen name. Just … Delphine.

            People are drawn to Maureen. Much how a black hole will eventually suck the very life out of the universe… and I get it, I do. She is passionate about writers and writing, she puts on open mic nights for spoken word, (everyone gets ten minutes, Delphine gets what Delphine wants), she founded the Quills, helps us all self-publish, (a subject I will return to in future entries), she attends everything artistically related in our grubby little town and will help anyone with their grammar, if they want it or not. But she doesn’t like me… at all.

            Why you ask.? Yes, you did, one of you at the back asked, and I will be glad to tell you.

The reason she doesn’t like me… at all, is clouds.

            Clouds.

            A few years back in what must have been in the early days of my appearances at the Quills, Maureen, (I refuse to call her Delphine in my own sanctuary of righteous indignation), and I had an argument about clouds.

            Now, I am no meteorologist, to the extent that I just had to look up how to spell it, but I know two things about clouds as they pertain to a writer. The first thing is, clouds already have names. They do. You know they do, you may not know all of them and you might misname them, but you know some, like cirrhus and cumulus, etc… no… no etc, that’s it, I know two, but what I do know is that there isn’t a type of cloud in the sky that doesn’t have a name. There are sub genres of clouds within subgenres of clouds, named for height and depth and colour and speed and mass and shape and time and longevity… a cloud is and never is, just a cloud.

 Number two, is that writer’s and particularly poets, spend waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long and waaaaaaaaaay too much effort, in trying to describe clouds, by not using the names that already exist for clouds. And yes, I know that that is our job, to present the world through the prisms of a kaleidoscopic eye, but come on…..I just can’t get excited about clouds, but here came the problem with Maureen, for as lazy as I am in the describing a cloud department, even I know it is lame to call a cloud a ball of cotton wool… and had to say so…

            “Thank you, thank you, now if… yes R…

            “I liked it in principle Maureen… but”

            “Delphine, it’s Delphine”

            “Yes, sorry… I like the bit with the meandering stream… but the cloud “

            “What about the cloud”

            “You said it was like a ball of cotton wool…”

            “Because it was… it was like a ball of cotton wool”

            “But don’t you think that’s a bit cliche”

            “No, R… I don’t… that’s what it looked like…

            “Yes, okay I get that, but couldn’t you have found a better way of saying that”

            “Why would I? When that is what it looked like”

            “You might as well have said the cloud looked like a cloud then…”

            “That’s what I did do… I wrote that the cloud. looked like a cloud that looked like a ball of cotton wool”

And if it wasn’t for Brenda jumping in and saying she thought the poem was marvellous, especially the bosky glade bit, I think we would still be in that cotton wool loop now.

            I will leave you with this, because Derek is about to read his poem… it will be about the bypass, but hey ho. We mustn’t sweat the small stuff so much, a cloud mustn’t be a cotton wool ball, EVER, but it can on occasion, be honoured by simply calling it a cloud., despite saying earlier a cloud is never just a cloud., that was science… It is much the same with sticks. Sticks cannot be much else, when its being a stick, because when it’s not a stick, but a machine gun or a pirate’s sword in a young boy’s hand, it is still a stick, at heart. And as any writer, and especially poets will tell you, these are the very sticks we flog ourselves to death with…

                        yep… it’s about the bypass.

JUNE 2020

TWAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT .

Writing is easy.

            There, I’ve said it.

            It is.

            It’s only the bits that you don’t like that are hard. Like grammar, and spelling, and finding the time and a pen that works or a computer that’s free. Those bits make writing hard. There are lots of other stuff that is hard too, as the more you get into writing, the more you find out that you are not doing it right, and, or, doing it well.

            Every line you write is a skipping rope waiting to trip you up……with bad analogies most likely….or was that a metaphor  ?……you see, the more you write, and the more you read about writing, you realise that everything has a name. Metaphor, analogy, scansion, conjugation, elision percussive, metre, pentameter, assonance, simile and prosody to name but a fraction… and do you know what? You don’t need to know what things are called… you don’t. You really don’t.

            So, writing is easy and unless you are taking a Creative Writing course where they demand you do know the name of things, it doesn’t matter if you don’t know your assonance from your elision…all that matters is that you have got your words down, in an order that you are happy with.

            For example… you may have written…. ‘Billy’s boyhood bully is now a builder’…it isn’t necessary for you to know that that is alliteration… of course you have noticed the preponderance of “b” words, of course you have, you are not alliterate, but knowing its name doesn’t make it more “b” does it…and likewise , you don’t need to know that when you wrote  “Billy’s boyhood bully is now a builder, and when he turned up to give him a quote on a new conservatory, Billy told him to bugger off”, you were employing both repetition and colloquialism…it is enough that your point was made.

            There are perfectionists.

            Of course there are.

            There is.

            And they are easy to wind up. For instance, having typed the above, I can hear a mob forming, sharpening their red pencils and lighting torches, smiling maniacally and salivating over the thought of burning me at the steak…sorry. But, I find it fun…..except, knowingly messing with the grammar police, is actually hypocritical in a way, as I need to know grammar and the names of things to actually take the mickey…….my only redemption is that there will be mistakes in here that I had no control over, and the name for that is hubris.

            Which brings me to a very good point.

            Do I actually believe in what I have just written.

            Do I?

            It doesn’t seem likely, as I am after all, a writer, and writer’s lie. This isn’t a textbook, it’s a journal entry, it’s an inky whinge and at its very best, a salutary tale of what happens to failed novelists.

            Not all poets are failed novelists, I will grant you that, but I think the percentage is high enough that even now, you may have wandered off in your head to that cardboard box beneath the bed,  or for your finger perhaps, to direct the mouse to waver over that file marked NOVEL NUMBER ONE….and though I have never attempted a novel myself…I feel your pain..I really really really do because we are all in this together.

            Writers who tell you we are all in this together are talking out their backsides.

            We are not.

            And yet we seek the company of others like ourselves,  for writers can convey empathy as well as any estate agent., and though its not the comfort of strangers exactly, it is close, as in we just want to be in the company of others who are as equally frustrated, delusional, and as miserable as

we are, for we are all just empty castles with great potential and excellent views.

            Every Tuesday nearest to the last of the month, I could have said that better but I don’t care, I attend the Tranquility Tea and Cake shop, where at three in the afternoon, along with several other amateur ( is amateur fair?….yes….very fair), writers for two hours of gaudy show and tell. We all sit there, sometimes six of us, mostly nine or ten, and read out the reams of genius we have prepared.

We are known as The Quills, and though not exactly a gang, we are formidable, in the way that I can’t actually think of… and….oh, I have to go now, Maureen is staring at me, I think we are about to start…….