Tim Heerdink is the author of Somniloquy & Trauma in the Knottseau Well, The Human Remains, Red Flag and Other Poems, Razed Monuments, Checking Tickets on Oumaumua, Sailing the Edge of Time, I Hear a Siren’s Call, Ghost Map, A Cacophony of Birds in the House of Dread, and short stories, The Tithing of Man and HEA-VEN2. His poems appear in various journals and anthologies. He is the President of Midwest Writers Guild of Evansville, Indiana.
All directions lead to dead ends in deceptions in depths of R.E.M. cycling through the process of renewal or breaking down. Calvert takes many faces, new roles with each iteration my auto sputters its fumes to halt within his reach. I attempt to escape paranoia my conscious seems to forget the grand reasoning of possessing. My breath quickens as the next Calvert engulfs my limp form with nobody to witness. Audrey cries out one door over in the now, and I wonder who has her with her eyes clenched closed.
Aubade without Good Intentions
You know what they say about what you mean & where it leads you. Stay true to your gut with its hurtful honesty even if others find the experience a bit distasteful. The sun plans its ascension in just a matter of minutes to defeat the dark again. I desire to lie here but I ache with every small movement plus I’d rather not disturb you. Almighty dollar begs to be earned with no conscience of the price. My heart, my love, I am not a good man by definition, so please, stay in the comfort of your dream. Last evening may only prove to be the turning point for us. Every neighbor’s door is locked except for ours with the knob lying on the ground. Bright rays embrace my face as I throw away my mask & gloves & breathe the air that kills.
I am feeling a little bit exasperated I am more than just complicated I am always in a state of contemplation I am never gonna give in to that sensation I am a walking ball of determination I am both the predator & the prey I am exhausted before the end of day I am hoping for better word play I am not the reason for you to stay I am sorry for what I did against your will I am still paying the unpayable bill I am pulling out Hoover flags & still I am dodging how I actually feel I am a suicide attempt survivor I am walking dying flesh I am not shit if you don’t say so I am with & without care of your thoughts I am the new & the old god in my head I am blasphemy & the lost lamb I am searching for stolen faith I am one motherless son I am surprised I’ve made it this far I am longing for that beautiful sunrise I am caught in an unforgiving eternal night I am constantly alone with myself I am grateful for my sweet girls, but I am the monster of which I need to kill I am of the understanding that I am but a flawed limited existence I am doing my best, yet I am a lie, because I am tempted by forbidden fruit I am in constant change with reality I am a father, husband, brother, son I am an author, editor, publisher, photographer I am a musician, painter, & an auto body man I am one who travels yet am stuck in this hell I am ready to throw the white flag, & I am stubborn enough to tuck it in forgotten places I am imagining my mind no longer in the fog I am reaching for both the knife & the flashlight I am still trying to decide which route is right I am, & that’s all I need to be for now